I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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