Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
