the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
