The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
