I wanna bring you to show and tell
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
