Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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