I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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