just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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