I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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