Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
