i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
