I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
