I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
