is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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