im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
