i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
