I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
