dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Betty ford says i'm here all night
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
