I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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