i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
