just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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