two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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