I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
