i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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