I accidentally had phone sex last night
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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