he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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