I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
