Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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