Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
