Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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