he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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