Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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