fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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