I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
