I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
50% drunk capacity currently
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
