filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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