Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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