They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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