You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
