there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
