Jerry, you need to find god
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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