she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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