Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
