I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
