Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
