guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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