I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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