i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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