John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
