Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
