She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
