he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
