today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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